Facebook has a notifications problem.
For whatever reason (maybe to help fix that pesky engagement problem), Facebook has really amped up the notifications spam lately. And it sucks.
Call me old fashioned, but I remember when a Facebook notification meant that one of your friends was intentionally interacting with you in some way. Wild, right?
But now, I get more notifications than ever and almost all of them are completely unnecessary and irrelevant.
These are the worst offenders.
13. About those memories…
Yes, I know these are among the few notifications you explicitly need to opt into, but even these are starting to go over the top. Sure, I don’t mind looking back at the occasional cringey photo from college, but lately Facebook has decided it needs to repeatedly show me the same memory every damn day for days at a time. Just stop. Not every day needs a “memory.” It’s okay, really,
12. Someone I don’t talk to might do something!
There is nothing useful about this at all. Everyone knows that saying you’re “interested” in something means you’ll never actually show up. It’s also a not-so-subtle but definitely-a-little-creepy reminder that Facebook knows my location at all times.
11. Someone I don’t talk to posted a photo!
Oh, goody! I was just wondering what my third-grade classmate I haven’t spoken to in 12 years looks like these days.
10. The live videos I will never watch
Getting notifications that someone you went to middle school with is “Live” on Facebook is one of the most annoying things ever.
— K’awanzaa. 👑 (@smiling_peedee) June 10, 2017
Look, Facebook, I get it. Live video is really important to you, but please, please, please, stop trying to make me watch them. They are almost universally a terrible, boring waste of time
9. More Facebook Messenger spam
Facebook sending a push notification for every time a friend starts using Messenger might be the worst move yet.
— Tom Biro (@tombiro) May 1, 2017
Not only does it feel a little creepy and intrusive to be alerted the second a friend downloads a new app, it’s yet another completely unnecessary piece of information I never asked for.
8. What even is this
I guess “waving” is the new poke? Or something?
7. Literally every variety of birthday notification …
*1 new notification*
Hey, remeber that person you met on holiday four years ago? Its their birthday!
Fuck off, Facebook.
— Burt Macklin, FBI. (@DaleHarris90) May 29, 2017
… especially when it’s weeks ahead of time
… or unexpectedly manipulative
… or for your own freaking birthday 🙄
Just had a notification from Facebook reminding me that my birthday is coming up. Gee, thanks.
— H (@halagoo) April 21, 2017
6. The “no shit” notifications
Unfriending is pretty self explanatory, no?
5. The reminder about the thing that just happened
Just in case you can’t remember what you’ve been doing over the last few days.
4. The life updates you really could do without …
I just got a notification on Facebook that my ex just got married. I’m annoyed all of a sudden.
— Actually Talented (@iamyanadotcom) June 3, 2017
Pro-tip: Facebook has a breakup feature. Use it.
3. The suggestions to buy useless crap I don’t need or want
Who doesn’t need some slabs amirite?
2. This passive aggressive garbage
No need to be a bully, Facebook.
1. But the absolute worst notification is this steaming pile of useless info
More than just annoying, this garbage notification must be the most useless detail even by Facebook’s (admittedly low) standards. There is literally no conceivable reason why anyone would ever need to know how long it’s been since their profile was updated. And there’s no excuse for why Facebook thinks anyone needs a notification about this. Just stop, okay?